Tuesday, December 30, 2003

i cry for no reason at all. actually, that's not true. i do cry for a reason, but i'm not quite sure what that reason is. i'm such an idiot. but whatever. this is one of those times that i feel like crying, and not sure why. or maybe i do know why. there are so many things that i want to say, but i can never get the words out of my mouth. it isn't because i'm stupid and inarticulate, but i never have the courage, and i don't think i ever will either. fuck, i'm such an idiot.

life really isn't bad. life is good. my life is good. i have a family, a home, an oppurtunity to obtain an education. i am actually really fortunate. why am i not happy? why am i so ungrateful? why the fuck am i complaining? i don't know. i should stop. my head and my heart hurts.

i should learn to love my life and be happy loving it. if it is possible to love something of no clear purpose or value.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

i don't know how anyone can stand the hypocrisy and shallowness that i see everyday. i guess i can also say that i have very few friends, but many acquaintances. and even so, the friends i have don't truly know me. it is as if i always put on a facade of what people see "elaine" as... whatever that is. it sickens me even more when my parents encourage me to take part in this whole society of hypocrisy. ugh. i guess to some extent, i am a hypocrite. everyone is. if someone says they're not, they're just a hypocrite in denial. even worse. i AM a hypocrite, unfortunately, but i don't think i'm going to do anything to change that.

this disgusts me.

Monday, December 22, 2003

bah. today is horrible and i don't even know why. maybe it's because i'm supposed to email my science project today but i still haven't gotten ANYTHING from anyone in the group other than deborah. i don't even think that they've started their work. gah. i'm so confused as to what i'm supposed to do. not good. not good at all.

yes, i am panicking right now.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

today was amazing. i went to massey hall for the sing-along messiah today. it was REALLY cool... i was so moved by the sheer power of the 2000 voices that sang the music of praise to the Lord. ABSOLUTELY amazing. i'd love to go again next year, even though tickets are $20 each (with $4.50 service charge...) but it's definitely worth it. now i have a messiah score! how cool am i? haha =)

i went to massey hall with krune, and then we met up with mark and his friends there. it was freezing! we thought we had to wait in a line to get a ticket, so we did that for half an hour. only to find out that we didn't have to wait in line. the line was 4 friggin blocks long... sheesh. eventually, we got in though. the conductor made all these jokes and i didn't get half of them. people seemed find it hilarious, so i just sort of smiled an nodded... s'all good.

we sang this one piece called "all we like sheep have gone astray". i couldn't stop laughing, especially since we had to repeat "all we like sheep" many times. people looked at me weird, but that only made me laugh harder! i know what the title means, but it still cracks me up. i'm such a nerd.

massey hall is a very nice recital hall, even though it needs a bit of dusting/swifering. it has a very intricate design, and its architecture gives the hall a very prestigious, imperial atmosphere. i might even say that i like it better than roy thomson hall.

anyway, enough of my babbling. i should get started on science... or try to at least...

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

one day, two days, three days, four days.......... what is the meaning of my existence? i know it sounds cliche, but i can't help but wonder that. what purpose do i serve by living? does it really matter if i die tomorrow or live until i'm 100 years old?

i guess it's not the fact that i exist i dread. it's the question of what i am going to do with my life. i really don't know. i'm so lost and confused in this land of misdirection and blurriness. i want to run away from all this. but life is like a box, you can run forever, but never escape.

Friday, December 12, 2003

ugh, procrastination biting me back in the ass... i knew i should have started my work sooner, but i guess i couldn't bring myself to. now i have a crap load of work to do. blah. why do teachers like to pile things on you at the last minute? i guess it's my fault that i didn't start things ahead of time, or start the assignment once i got it. whatever, i'll have to deal with it.

i'm sick with a high fever, which means my head is killing me and i feel like crap. blah, i hope i get well enough to finish all this work tomorrow. otherwise, i'm screwed. well, i'm screwed either way. ok, i feel like crap, so i'm going to bed.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

first entry... i never thought that i'd get a blog, as i used to find it a bit strange to post my private thoughts on the internet for everyone to see, but really, this blog is the only place that my parents can't get to. there is no such thing as "privacy" and "trust" in their vocabulary. if they don't respect my privacy, then i'll put my thoughts right where they can't get to, hopefully. i don't hate my parents at all. they can become very irritating to me though. i don't know, maybe i'm ungrateful, maybe i'm whiny, i have no idea. i'm just here to fulfil my purpose of existence, whatever it is.

lately, things look pretty dim. the future is really blurry... it used to be such a clear vision. i knew exactly where i'm going, what i'm going to do, how i'm going to get there. but now? i have no clue. i'm sort of awake and dreaming these days. i'm in my own world while everything around me just passes. i'm afraid to wake up. i'm afraid of what i might find. to be truthful, i'm afraid of reality.

i wish i could be a little kid forever. i wish i would never have to grow up. right now, i'm in the process of growing up... i definitely have a lot of growing up to do. but i don't want to. if i had a choice, i would choose to be a child forever. unfortunately, i do not. i'll have to live with the fact that i'm slowly entering adulthood. the unknown. i guess people are always afraid of the unknown? well, at least i know that i am.

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